Ha!  Did you think I was talking about the size of a man’s tackle? Not so, silly dears!  Confidentially, I’ve NEVER met a set of twig and berries that I didn’t like.  I’m talking, of course, about condom sizing.

Did you know that condoms come in different sizes?  And I’m not just talking about “normal” and “magnum”, either.  Condom manufacturers diligently test, measure, and I guess focus group test their condoms, and not all condoms are created equally.  Condoms vary in base width, tip width, length and thickness, sometimes greatly and sometimes minutely.  Since the biggest complaint I hear about condoms are “I don’t feel anything”, followed closely by “they are way too tight/loose/baggy/chafing” I thought it was high time I look into the matter, to hopefully shed some (red) light onto the subject.

(This is a note to say that I’ll only be looking at condoms available in the US.  I’ve found out that Europe has 93 different sizes of condoms!  I’ll bring back one of their sample packs when I go to Europe this summer!)

So, let’s begin!

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Hey Pretty, Do You Wanna Take a Ride with Me, Through My World?

Greetings and salutations my lovers, dreamers, lovely ladies and gorgeous gentlemen!  It’s been an age, so let’s get to the updates of the whirlwind I call Magdalene’s Life!


I horrid with chronological time, so I’ll start from now and back up to the last time we spoke.


Did everyone enjoy the snow?  It was some kind of magic that convinced me to step out Saturday night after a long, tedious illness, and let me tell you I was dressed to KILL!  (For those curious, I wore a red silk blouse with puffed sleeves, a tight little wiggle skirt with a bit of flair at the bottom in a tight herringbone pattern, my favorite black leather bow belt and European wingtip heels.  Add a black silk ascot and some black jeweled hair combs and I was just lovely!) As some of you know, I’ve been searching for THE PERFECT wool long coat to wear with my vintage creations, preferably something with a bit of fur about the neck, you know, for warmth. I haven’t quite found it yet, but can’t you just imagine?


Anyway, so I’m walking to my favorite hole in the wall from my car and it starts dusting with the tiniest little flakes, and the street goes quiet and you can smell the ice in the air and it was magical.  After a few drinks, some friendly carousing, and one very long discussion on the merits of “radical honesty” I tripped out of there looking for adventure and there is no less than 4 inches of snow on my car!  Ever the Girl Scout (I was, you know) I’m able to wipe, scrape and otherwise defrost my car so I can safely drive to my next engagement.  It’s perhaps 9:30-10pm, and everything is slow, but steady, and I’m not worried.  Seattlites always freak out at first snow fall but I was impressed with how restrained their panic seemed to be.  I am literally a block and a half from my destination when WOOSH! my car suddenly decides to pull a weird physics maneuver and slide sideways ever so gently into a wide ditch that borders the “swamp” that acts as some kind of reservoir for the area.  I was more shocked than scared, though I did have a fleeting fear of “What happens if the snow gives way and I sink into that half-frozen swamp full of brackish water and who knows what!?”, but my car, thankfully, decided that it was done acting a fool.

Though I was unable to reverse or wiggle out of the slope I was able to safely get my little butt out and back onto the street.  Lo and behold, two lovely Portlanders who had also recently found themselves in a ditch walked up to me and inquired as to my safety.  The woman was laughing to herself the entire time, she just couldn’t believe such a small amount of snow could cause this amount of problems, but the man was somehow fixated on the fact that I was wearing (2 inch) heels, and somehow that made walking in snow not just impractical, but impossible.  His continual offers to walk me to wherever I was going (even so much as to carry me!) was sweet to the point of silliness, but his female companion finally convinced him that I wasn’t wearing stilettos or anything dangerous and to leave me be.


I made it safely to my secondary location, and being the incredible hosts that they are, welcomed all their snow-bound friends to stay the night and engage in the frivolity that being “snowed in” offers.  Cocoa, rum, a Firefly marathon and a very fun game of “Catch Phrase”.  Moral of this story?  A true friend offers you a couch and a mug of hot buttered rum, there’s never a reason NOT to look fabulous, and this girl can successfully trek up a snowy slope in heels and a pencil skirt like a BOSS.

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Double your pleasure, double your fun…

Duos!  Duo Duos!  Do duos!!  *sorry, I couldn’t help myself*

Hello my lovely people!  Right at this very second it is “slushing” outside.  Not raining by any means, but its way too wet to be considered snow.  And it falls on you in freezing gobs…  brrrrrr!  I’m so glad to have a cozy love nest to curl up in, drink cocoa, and read erotica.

But enough about my evening!  I’m here to talk about some of my very favorite women, and perhaps entice one or two to write me!

First off, we have Sofina!  Sofina is an absolute doll.  She has a ridiculously curvy frame with some of the best hips I’ve ever seen.  A natural brunette, Sofina  has longish hair with some very cute blunt bangs.  If you are very good, she’ll even keep her glasses on for you!  Sofina is definitely the “geek” in my little cadre.  If you have a need for discussing the latest sci-fi show, or debating the merits of a character’s actions in a nerdy novel, Sofina is your girl.  She and I have been known to geek out together and it can be quite the scene! (Oh, did I mention the boobs?  She has huge tracks of land!)

Next, we have Vera Larkin!  The beautiful Vera is a fashion chameleon.  Currently, she has a short mod-style hair cut that is a lovely auburn color.  She has flawless porcelain skin, and it is quite a treat to hear her purr as you stroke your hand over her body.  Vera is my favorite short person, because I’m actually taller than her!  (I’m never taller.  Ever) Standing a petite 5′ 1″ she has the demure thing down, but she can be a bit of a spitfire in the bedroom.  (Oh, and Ms Vera’s lovely baubles are also a bit more than a handful!)

Lastly, (but not least, by any means) is my newest partner in crime is Miss Poppy Black!  It was a fortuitous meeting that brought her and me together, and you know what they say, when fate intervenes no man can stop it!  Poppy is a bohemian dynamo with some seriously sexy moves.  She is long and lean and very… perky.  She has a short pixie cut right now that really brings out her eyes, and gently sun-kissed skin that is so very soft.  I’ve taken this adorable young lady under my wing, but honestly she can fly pretty well solo now!  I can tell you that she is smart and fierce, and she can decorate a room impeccably.

Now, if any of these lovely, sexy, flirty ladies appeal to you, you can always e-mail me!  I do have a few pictures of them all on my website too 😉

Next post should be an article on something I have mixed feelings about: body hair.  Ciao for now!

Blue Velvet Pictures, With Apologies!

Hello my darlings and lovelies!  Forgive the delay in unveiling my newest photo shoot.  As you might know, I do almost all my own editing, and I have been having a BEAST of a time dealing with GIMP and it’s open source software.  I really need to finally get it together and get (and learn!) Photoshop.  Forgive if these seem a little blown out, I’m trying to figure out a way to get a happy medium between “boring” and “creatively artistic”.  Without further ado!  (tell me which ones are your favorite!) (WP seems to limit the amount of images I can post.  Also this should go without saying but NSFW)

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Is A Picture Really Worth A Thousand Words?

All right my darlings, I promised you a picture, and a picture you will have!  Now do keep in mind this is a pretty rough cut, I need to perform a little more GIMP magic to get the levels just right.  This is my first shoot with this photographer, and I think she is a keeper!  She really enjoyed this kind of subject, and will soon be up and mobile to offer shoots to other gals like myself.  She really knows how to put a girl at ease and feel absolutely beautiful!  (I promised I’d keep her name and contact info under wraps until her new site is up.  Photogs are picky that way!)

(Pix after the jump, possibly NSFW)

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Don’t Tell Anyone, But I Rather Enjoy This!

Hello my lovelies!  You will NEVER guess what it is I did this week.  No, really, try guessing I promise you won’t get it right!




Wait, who said “PHOTO SHOOT”, way there in the back?  ….  Well, fine yes that happened, but guess again!  There was more to it than just that!



OK OK I’ll just say it:  Everyone’s favorite red-headed siren has gone and turned herself into a smouldering brunette vixen!  Before everyone revolts and heads for the door, let’s just take a breath and remember that this is me we are talking about.  So of course I still have lovely cherry red high lights!  I decided that with the coming of Winter I could do well to tone things down and then just ramp up the contrast a bit.  I’ve even trimmed my hair down in the style of my idol, the irrepressible Bettie Page (granted my hair isn’t near as long, but the resemblance is there!).


But as we all (should) know, in this business one must keep one’s pictures up to date and fresh.  So, with the help of a very good girl friend, and over a few glasses of wine (guilty as charged!) we shot what I think might be the best shoot I’ve had to date.  We decided to go more boudoir than I’ve done previously, but with a bit of camp and warmth that I do try to convey in all my shoots.  This was the first time I’ve used my space to such a degree for photos, as well, so if anyone is curious as to what my little love nest really looks like, it’ll give you a few glimpses.


By now I can hear to yelling, “Enough talk!  Where are the pictures?!”  And to that I just have to say, patience!  I was far too excited NOT to tell you guys all about it, but I won’t be getting them back until Saturday.  I can say that this blog will be the first place I post my favorites, and over the next month or two I’ll be rolling out new ones.  I have to keep you guys wanting more, don’t I?


So, new hair, new photos, and soon, new(ish) body?  It’s true!  I’ve taken on a personal trainer that I think will really work me into a (more) pleasing shape, without taking away from my luscious curves that so many find delicious.  My goals are to better emulate some of my favorite pin up and burlesque idols, and one does that with defined curves, long, lean legs, a killer bosom and a very pert bottom!  Before I’m deluged with “But Magdalene, you have that already!  Don’t change!”  I’m not looking to lose 50 lbs and hope for fame as a conventional model!  I’m quite the opposite of conventional, wouldn’t you say?  What I want to do is sculpt what is already there.  Hell, I very well may GAIN weight because (and repeat this over and over) muscle weighs more than fat.  And I like a bit of muscle on my women, don’t you?


This entire transformation does have a secondary goal, though.  And here I am being completely open and honest with my favorite readers:  As of January 1st, 2014, I will be raising my rates to 300/hr.  I’m beginning school in earnest and I need to be able to focus more on my studies than on my inbox.  I want desperately to keep my favorites happy and close to me, so I’m offering a grandfather plan (can we call it something other than that?  I don’t want to think of my grandfather when discussing the finer points of the bedroom!) If, as of January 1st, 2014, you have seen me within the last 6 months you will be welcome to enjoy my current regular rates for the following 6 months.  Does that sound fair?  Keeping some spread sheet somewhere that says who gets my old rate vs who gets my new rate sounds like a headache I don’t want, so I’m letting it stand now: Previous friends are invited to use my 2013 rates for the first 6 months of 2014.  At that point everything goes back to “zero” as it were, and the rates are the same across the board.


I know that this bump will be a deal breaker for some of you, and I will be terribly sad to see you go.  I of course am always good for a reference, and can even steer some in the direction of a lady I think you might click with.  I’m happy to field questions privately through email, and I appreciate keeping derisive comments to yourselves (not that any of you, dear readers, would try and argue me out of a personal financial decision)  I have to put most of my energy towards my education, and smart women are so very sexy!  (Speaking of sex, can you take a guess at what I’ll be studying?  If you were in the vicinity of “the psychology of sex” then you’re right!)


BUT!  That is far away and we are still here together!  My spiced cider was a big hit last week, so I think I’m going to continue to trend.  I think it would serve me to get a special pot just for keeping cider warm for visitors.  I’m trying to come up with other ideas for little nibbles that we can feed each other in between romps, and I can’t seem to come up with anything past chocolate bites, nuts, and berries.  Surely there is something else I’m missing!

Until next time my darlings!

Trials, Tribulations, Tribbles and Termites

Sometimes I find that when I’m truly and thoroughly stressed out I can turn to alliteration to help alleviate some of the profound, personal pressure.  (see what I did there?)

Instead of sending out 20+ emails individually (and inevitably missing a few lovely people) I thought I’d put something up here.  My blog seems to reach far more people than I initially thought, my “lurker” count has shot through the roof in recent months.  I know it sucks when someone you like goes dark online.  One of my favorite bloggers (the absolutely fabulous Allie Brosh from Hyperbole and a Half) has been known to go dark for almost a year at a time, which sends her many, many readers into a frantic tail spin.  While I am not no where near as funny (or, let’s face it, popular!) I know a few of you have sent curious emails about me and my whereabouts.  Here’s a short and condensed version:

Some old injuries from my Army days are rearing their ugly little heads.  I’ve never hid my nerve damage but I’ve never yelled it from the roof tops either, but I have sort of kept another injury under wraps: I got my noggin whacked pretty good on a few occasions (which happens in the military, I swear it’s not anything noteworthy in my case) and was recently diagnosed with a mild TBI.  This little persnickety problem has plagued me for quite some time without a name, contributing to memory loss, lack of energy, tinnitus and vertigo.  This, in turn, has really made it difficult to keep any kind of schedule on my own.  What’s worse is that if I don’t write everything down, I’m liable to forget it.  This has manifested in missed doctor’s appointments, birthdays, and most egregiously I have been known to agree to sessions or meet and greets only to forget them completely since I wasn’t able to write it down in a calendar.  So these past few months have been dedicated to getting a handle on this and I think I’m getting much, much better.  Those of you who’ve known me for a while know that I’m far too independent and headstrong to let something as trivial as a physical condition to keep me down!

Now, the bad news:  I can’t seem to deal with the “new” G-Mail set up.  I’m losing “verified” lists, my website domain isn’t filtering into my inbox properly, and I think someone thought they’d be funny and sign me up for a bunch of really craptastic email listservs.  I’m looking into another email change, and I’m checking one or two paid email services to facilitate things a bit more economically, so give me a little leeway to that.  I’m putting up an auto-reply message that just asks for some patience until I figure everything out.  Any techy types who have an opinion on small business email solutions or other communication services is welcome to contact me here or privately.

But wait, there’s more!  The good news is that the holiday season is here, and with it comes end-of-year special rates and hopefully a few new photo shoots.  I have a few new recipes under my sleeve that I’m really looking forward to show everyone, and while I was away I was sent not one but two really interesting Ask Mag! queries.  I ask for patience and promise that there are a few surprises coming up that I think will go a long way towards my forgiveness (consider it my version of sexy penance)

That’s all for now darlings.  Glad to be back, here’s to another go at it!

“The Dog Days of Summer”

Did you know that the dog days of summer were once considered a good thing?  A time to lay back, be lazy, it was too hot to consider doing any sort of real work.  Now, we think of the dog days as the bitter, humid end to a summer that isn’t exactly ended yet.  90 degree days and 70% humidity at night.  Hell, when it rains it just feels sticky since there isn’t enough cold to freshen everything up.

Anyway, like the delicate flower I am, I cannot bear the mix of heat and humidity.  So I’ve been desperately trying to keep from melting and doing a fairly poor job of it!  So I have been curled up, in the blessed dark, fans on high and not a stitch on, reading.  Oh and the things I’ve been reading!  Sons of the Profits tells the (not so glamorous) tale of how my favorite city in the world began (that city, obviously, being Seattle).  Good Time Girls tells the sordid story of just how integral “seamstresses” were to the growing logging and mining community in our fair city.  And, just to round out my sexual education, I’ve picked up The History of Sex.  There was NEVER a time where women were delicate and fainting, men were chivalrous and neutered, and no one ever talked out of turn or did “nasty” things.  Let me just tell you, the Greeks, Romans, Turks, and the British have ALL done some things that would curl your nose hairs.  It’s amazing.

So, what’s coming down the pipe is this: I have a very special “Ask Mag” article I’m trying to hammer out, so that might be a while, I am gleefully typing up my own short handed account of “Good Time Girls”, I think it’s time for another sexy sex toy review, and maybe a poem or two memorializing just how dewy one’s bosom can become when she is reading erotica in the summer swelter.

Just a tid bit to tide you over, my lovers and dreamers.  Wish for rain!

Quick and Easy Balsamic Chicken

So, my darlings, I know I promised you a “real” article this week, but it’s going to have to wait.  I’m running into some… continuity problems.

The following is an absolutely tasty recipe that I found on  I’ve tweaked it some based on the results of my attempts.


  • 6 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (I cut this in half, so 3 chicken breasts)
  • ground black pepper to taste
  • 1 teaspoon garlic salt (1/2 tsp)
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil (this I didn’t actually measure)
  • 1 onion, thinly sliced (half an onion.  Skip if you don’t like caramelized onions and sub garlic)
  • 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar (this was a tricky thing for me.  I like a lot of balsamic, so I pierced my chickens with a fork a few times, and actually let it marinate for about 10 minutes)
  • 1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes (1/2 can)
  • 1 teaspoon dried basil (1/2 tsp)
  • 1 teaspoon dried oregano (1/2 tsp)
  • 1 teaspoon dried rosemary (1/2 tsp)
  • 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme (I didn’t have thyme, so I didn’t use it)

So, onward towards delicious-ness!

1. Season chicken breasts with ground black pepper and garlic salt. Heat olive oil in a medium skillet, and brown the onion and seasoned chicken breasts.

 2. Pour tomatoes and balsamic vinegar over chicken, and season with basil, oregano, rosemary and thyme. Simmer until chicken is no longer pink and the juices run clear, about 15 minutes.

Sounds easy, right?  Right?  It is, but here’s the thing- in cooking this I burned up the tomato juice AND most of the diced tomato.  The onion… well I don’t like caramelized onions, so I don’t think I did that part correctly.  I ended up scooping them out.  The blend of spices is nice, but to really give it flavor I got fresh rosemary and basil, slapped them a few times, and laid them down on the chicken itself and ladled the sauce on top.  When you flip the chicken, make sure the fresh herbs are on the bottom.  The second time I did this, I subbed three cloves of garlic for the onion, and it gave the chicken a much more spicy flavor, plus, garlic always makes it better.

“Simmering” isn’t a really good word for what you do with the chicken, in my opinion.  I assume simmer means to keep just below boiling, and it always makes me think of liquid.  You’re definitely pan-frying the guy.

This stuff is delicious, it really is.  The balsamic flavor doesn’t seem to keep well if you refridgerate and re-heat any left overs, but I’m still experimenting with that.  All in all I give this a 4 out of 5 stars.

This, plus some cucumber water and a salad, makes an absolutely delightful meal.  Ta!

Do these leg warmers make me look fit?



Oh, my stars and garters!  After having my “Let’s Get Physical” post up no more than a few days, I have gotten more feed back from this blog than I have EVER before (and that included my playing around with a sex toy…)


If you are wanting and willing to step up and challenge yourself, too, you are more than welcome to follow me and work out with me in spirit!  (Just think of me in a high cut thong, bosom-lifting lycra top and fuzzy leg warmers…)


I want to re iterate something, my dears: I am just trying to get healthier and maybe squeeze back into a little black dress or two.  I don’t know why you rushed to your email to send me worried notes about self-esteem and beauty, trust me, I am plenty happy with who I am and what I look like!  But, we could all be a little better, don’t you think?


For those following at home:


For the next 4 weeks I will be phasing my eating habits to lean more towards healthy meats, proteins, veggies, a little bit of fruit and a little bit of cheese.  Think of it as a modified paleo diet.  (Honestly, did you think I’d give up my vanilla lattes?  Scandalous!)


Week one is getting rid of simple carbs and processed grain (sugar, bread, bagels, that sort of thing) and trying out lean red meat.

Week two is adding in white meat (chicken and pork) to replace the carbs. (This is also when I’ll be learning more modern, healthier ways of cooking meat.  Sadly breading and butter and frying won’t cut it)

Week three is phasing out (most) dairy and bumping up dark, leafy green veggies and eggs.

Week four should see me at the full range of lean proteins, vitamin-rich veggies, a few complex carbs and fruit for a sweet.


As a favorite food guru said, 80% of fitness is in the diet.  I am very confident that this move will do most the work for me and give me results I can see.  After this four weeks is done with, I will be advancing to directed, scripted, work outs.  Luckily, I have access to a nice gym with fairly good weights (oh yeah, I lift, what of it?) I hate cardio.  Thankfully I don’t have to be out sweating and huffing and puffing when I can do all of that, in half the time, lifting weights.  I much prefer to get my cardio fix the FUN way *suggestive grin*



So!  There’s my plan and you can see where I’m going!  Would it be helpful for me to post progress pictures?  I have some dynamite recipes I’d love to share.  I never get to take pictures of my food.

Thanks for letting me ramble.  There’s a “serious” article coming up soonish, but who can be serious in summer?